Parents, I want to continue with the discussion questions that I began posting a couple Thursdays ago. Mark’s message on Sunday about David and Absalom and the lessons we learn and can apply in parenting are a good starting point for a list of questions today.

These questions are adapted from a seminar by Steve Shank entitled “Fathers and Sons” from the 2005 Sovereign Grace Ministries Leaders Conference. You can download it for free if you like.

• Do you have a divine perspective of your own salvation?
• Do you have a divine perspective of your children?
• Are you more aware of the prior activity of God in your children’s lives than the present deficiencies?
• When you correct, are the kids first aware of your love and affection for them? Ask your children about this!
• Do you ever lost track of what God has done in your children – the amount of growth that has taken place?
• What are areas that you have seen real change? When was the last time you communicated it to your child?
• Have there been any big changes you have not acknowledged thanks to God for His grace or appreciation for your child’s response to the grace of God? Ask your children about these questions and see if they have any other perspective.
• Are you going after the sin in your own heart and allowing your children to see that you are on the same road? What was the last sin you confessed to your children? Are you consistent in confession and asking forgiveness from your children when you offend them? Are there any unresolved issues or sins?
• Have you ever seen a change take place and then begin to focus solely on the next thing that needs to change or an area of growth? How would you respond to similar treatment by a spouse or friend?
• Can you receive correction humbly from your children? Do they know your faults and sin?
• Do your children feel your gratitude to God for them? Ask them to evaluate you. How do you do at expressing thanksgiving (it is different than simply feeling grateful).
• Do they think you are “on their side” – you are trying to help them and can relate to the struggle with sin they experience as a fellow sinner? Are you more aware of evidences of grace or areas needing growth?
• Have you imposed a timetable for growth and change? Do any areas come to mind? Can you see change when it happens? Are you looking for it?

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Parents, in light of our Push Back series of messages, and especially in view of Saturday’s message on Media, I thought it would be helpful to provide some discussion questions for you on the topic of culture, movies, music, and TV.

This is a substantial list, so choose wisely and go slow. Let me know if there have been other questions that have been useful to you in this regard.

• What difference should the gospel make for your media choices? What difference does the gospel make for your media choices?
• In what ways are your media choices conformed to the world?
• What does it mean to be transformed?
• Do you have a process for evaluating movies, TV, and music? What is it?
• Think about the last couple movies you watched. Did those movies promote an evil message? Did they use an evil method?
• What changes is God calling you to make with your media choices?

(The following questions are adapted from Karl Graustein, Growing Up Christian, pp. 69, 75.)

• What are your favorite TV shows, movies, and bands?
• What values do they promote?
• How do their values compare to the Word of God?
• Do you critically evaluate TV shows or music CDs? How?
• Is there anything you refuse to watch or listen to? Why?
• Do you think your entertainment habits please God?
• What is wrong with loving the world?
• Why is hiding your love for the world from your parents a dangerous sign?
• What are the key ways you are influenced by the world? How do music, TV, movies, and friendship influence you?
• How effectively do you evaluate television, movies, music, the Internet, and friendships?
• What is one way you can love the world less in the next month?
• What is one way you can love God more in the next month?
• How can your parents, pastor, and friends help you in loving the world less and loving God more?

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Students, this post is for your parents. If they don’t read the blog very often, make sure they at least see this.

Parents, Vince and I recently taught a few Sunday School classes called True Conversion. Through the class we heard from some parents who are all for meeting with their kids regularly but just aren’t sure what questions to ask.

So here’s good news: Vince and I have both collected lists of questions that parents can ask their teens. I think most parents would be overwhelmed if I just dumped the entire master list on them. So over the next few weeks (or months), I’m going to post a series of Thursday Thoughts for Parents from this list of questions. Keep the ones that are helpful. Toss the ones that aren’t.

Parents, as you check these out over the next few weeks, I would be grateful if you would 1) let me know about which questions are more helpful and which ones are less so and 2) send me any lists of questions you have.

Here we go:

QUESTIONS TO ASK OFTEN
John Piper (who credits Rick Gamache)
From Justin Taylor’s Blog

• How are your devotions?
• What is God teaching you?
• In your own words, what is the gospel?
• Is there a specific sin you’re aware of that you need my help defeating?
• Are you more aware of my encouragement or my criticism?
• What’s dad/mom most passionate about?
• Do I act the same at church as I do when I’m at home?
• Are you aware of my love for you?
• Is there any way I’ve sinned against you that I’ve not repented of?
• Do you have any observations for me?
• How am I doing as a dad/mom?
• How have Sunday’s sermons affected you?
• Does my relationship with mom make you excited to be married?
• (On top of these things, with my older kids, I’m always inquiring about their relationship with their friends and making sure God and his gospel are the center of those relationship. And I look for every opportunity to praise their mother and increase their appreciation and love for her.)

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Parents,

Blogger Justin Taylor explains how at a recent conference, John Piper shared some questions he’s found useful in talking to his kids.  (He  credits a Sovereign Grace pastor, Rick Gamache.  These questions will no doubt remind you of some questions we’ve received before from CJ as he’s taught us about parenting.)  Conversations like this are simply one of the most valuable ways to shape your child’s heart and direct them to God through the gospel.  Enjoy:

• How are your devotions?
• What is God teaching you?
• In your own words, what is the gospel?
• Is there a specific sin you’re aware of that you need my help defeating?
• Are you more aware of my encouragement or my criticism?
• What’s daddy most passionate about?
• Do I act the same at church as I do when I’m at home?
• Are you aware of my love for you?
• Is there any way I’ve sinned against you that I’ve not repented of?
• Do you have any observations for me?
• How am I doing as a dad?
• How have Sunday’s sermons impacted you?
• Does my relationship with mom make you excited to be married?
• (On top of these things, with my older kids, I’m always inquiring about their relationship with their friends and making sure God and his gospel are the center of those relationships. And I look for every opportunity to praise their mother and increase their appreciation and love for her.)

Categories: Thursday Thoughts For Parents, five15 blog
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Parents,

Thursday Thoughts has taken a break for the summer (I have been thinking on Thursdays!), but a recent blog post by Al Mohler is too important to miss.

On Monday, Dr. Mohler reviewed a book called The Death of the Grown Up. The premise:

This much is now clear — Americans are taking a lot longer to grow up. As a matter of fact, this society has developed a period of extended adolescence that is completely without precedent in human history.

Actually, that’s not news. Sociologists and cultural analysts have realized this for some years.  What apparently makes this book unique is a strange corollary:

What Diana West adds to this analysis is her perceptive observation of how older adults now act like adolescents and identify with adolescent culture.

As she explains, “More adults, ages eighteen to forty-nine, watch the Cartoon Network than watch CNN. Readers as old as twenty-five are buying “young adult” fiction written expressly for teens. The average video gamester was eighteen in 1990; now he’s going on thirty.”

This is a disturbing trend, unique in world history:

As West notes, teenagers of an older generation tried to identify with adult culture. Now, the tables are turned. In her words:

That was then. These days, of course, father and son dress more or less alike, from message-emblazoned t-shirts to chunky athletic shoes, both equally at ease in the baggy rumple of eternal summer camp. In the mature male, these trappings of adolescence have become more than a matter of comfort or style; they reveal a state of mind, a reflection of a personality that hasn’t fully developed, and doesn’t want to - or worse, doesn’t know how.

Her look at America’s adults is not very encouraging. She writes about “parents who need parents” and parents who facilitate the misbehavior of their teenage children. Few seem to know what an adult is supposed to look like, or how an adult supposed to act.

Too many parents have assumed that their teen needs them to be a friend and a peer more than a parent. Thus, too many teens don’t really have a parent. Teens need to be challenged to rise to maturity and adulthood rather than be led to the assumption that adolescence is preferable as they watch their parents take on teenage clothing styles, pastimes, and lingo.

I don’t think this problem is common in our church, but we must constantly guard against the insidious creep of culture into our homes and lives. Let us call our kids forward to maturity, teach them maturity, urge them to maturity, and celebrate maturity. May we share with Paul this same urgency and intention in preaching the gospel:

“Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ.” Colossians 1:28

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Parents,

Thanks to all of you who came to the Parents’ Meeting Saturday night. Thanks for listening to our plans for next year, and all the great questions.

If you weren’t at the meeting, or you’d like to review some of the changes we’re working on, you can listen to the recording it or download it here.

I’m looking forward to a great year.  Parents, I hope you hear again my many thanks for your eager and faithful participation in five15.  The fruit we see in five15 is due to your faithful parenting.  THANK YOU for passing on the gospel to the coming generation!

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I’m quoting blogger Justin Taylor quoting blogger Zach Neilson quoting author Jerry Bridges’ book Transforming Grace, p. 124:

I think my parents’ pool hall fence was appropriate. But there is a lesson in my experience for all parents: Don’t focus on the fence. If you erect a fence for your children - for example, in regard to certain movies or television programs- be sure to focus on the real issues, not the fence. Take time to explain and re-explain the reason for the fence.

If you decide, as my parents did , that you don’t want your children going to the local pool hall, explain why. Distinguish between playing the game itself - which has neither negative nor positive moral value - and the atmosphere you are trying to protect them from.

For all of us, it may be good to have some fences, but we have to work at keeping them as just that - fences, helpful to us but not necessarily applicable to others. we also have to work at guarding our freedom from other people’s fences.

Some of the fences in our respective Christian circles have been around a long time. No one quite knows their origin, but by now they are “embedded in concrete”. Although it may cause conflict if you violate one, you must guard your freedom. To paraphrase Paul, “Stand firm in your freedom, and don’t let anyone bring you into bondage with their fences.”

I’m not suggesting you jump over fences just to thumb your nose at the people who hold to them so dearly. We are to “make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (Romans 14:19). Use discretion in embracing or rejecting a particular fence. but don’t let other coerce you with man made rules. And ask God to help you see if you are subtly coercing or judging others with your own fences.

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Normally I share these thoughts for parents on Thursday because of the catchy alliteration. But here’s something for Friday. In the Green Thumb Parenting class, I provided an answer to a common question: what book should I go through with my kid? Actually, I provided 10 answers. Here are my (current, and bound to change over time) Top Ten books for parents to go through with their teens during the middle school and high school years.

Not every family should necessarily try to plow through all ten books in six years, but I hope that by choosing a few titles from this list, parents will find help in specific areas with their teens. I list them here alphabetically by author:

Growing Up Christian, Karl Graustein. From one of the leaders of Covenant Life School, who himself grew up Christian, this book is an invaluable resource. Packed with real examples and simple tools to make it real for the reader, this book helps students and parents navigate the opportunities and temptations of growing up in the church.

Christian Beliefs, Wayne Grudem. “20 essential truths that every [teenage] Christian needs to know.” From the master of doctrinal clarity. Great for younger teens and pre-teens, too. I was surprised at how many of the kids in my Christian Beliefs class really wanted to know more about election.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Josh Harris. Already a classic, Josh’s case for ditching dating remains compelling. Read it more than once in middle and high school for a good foundation for God-glorifying opposite-sex relationships.

The Enemy Within, Kris Lundgaard. Do your teens understand that there biggest problem is inside, not outside? Any teen can find 100 things to blame his problems on. This book helps him see the big daddy of them all: sin.

Living the Cross-Centered Life, C.J. Mahaney. We’ve fallen short if the gospel is just theory. This book makes it real in everyday life. I think the chapter on legalism is especially relevant for young people. One to re-read every year.

Girl Talk, Carolyn Mahaney & Nicole Whitacre. Written by the most beautiful woman in the world and the best mother-in-law you could ask for, this guide to mother-daughter conversations is unparalleled. Moms, you can put Titus 2 to work at your kitchen table tomorrow with this book.

Don’t Waste Your Life, John Piper. It’s so easy for a teen to waste his teen years. Piper’s message is part of the antidote. Though we have a little different approach to missions, the central message of this book is about living a Christ-centered life, something every teen needs to hear.

What’s the Difference?, John Piper. Our culture is radically confusing and distorting gender roles for our kids. Let’s fight back. A slender volume with exceptionally good definitions and explanations of what are mature masculinity and femininity.

Holiness of God, R.C. Sproul. Perhaps one of the most important books written in the last century. Our teens won’t understand the gospel if they don’t understand God’s holiness. This is the book to do it. A must-read.

How Can I Be Sure I’m a Christian?, Donald Whitney. Some kids who are struggling with assurance need to look less at themselves and more at Christ, but this book will help some to begin to determine if they have genuine saving faith or not.

Parents, I know I haven’t cornered the market on book recommendations. What are your favorites? Whas has worked well and what hasn’t worked well? Let us know with a comment.

Categories: Thursday Thoughts For Parents, five15 blog
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Parents,

I hope you found the Green Thumb in Parenting classes to be beneficial. Thanks so much for your humility and eager desire to grow in parenting your teens.

I mentioned on Sunday morning that I would post a link to this article in response to Paul’s question. This article was written by Abraham Piper (Dr. John Piper’s son). Entitled 12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child, Piper humbly acknowledges that he was one of those wayward children. He’s following the Lord now, but this article describes how his parents related to him during his rebellion. I share these not so much because we have so many wayward children, but because many children are wayward at some point, even if only in small ways. This article helps model an approach to teenage sin that is redemptive and not self-righteous.

I think this is a great list, but please remember that these are general principles based on Scripture that will need to be adapted to your family’s situation. In particular, numbers 5 and 8 may need the most tweaking. The target here is really a 20-something, so at times it might actually be more helpful for the parents of a teenager to sever friendships that are unhelpful for their wayward son or daughter.

That being said, points 1 (12), 2, 3, and 6 can not be improved upon and are essential for any parent any time correction is necessary.

Here are the 12 ways:

1. Point them to Christ.
2. Pray.
3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.
4. Don’t expect them to be Christ-like.
5. Welcome them home.
6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.
7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.
8. Respect their friends.
9. Email them.
10. Take them to lunch.
11. Take an interest in their pursuits.
12. Point them to Christ.

You can read the whole article here.

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Mark preached to us from Mark 8:22-9:13 yesterday about “The Divine Necessity.” The cross is a divine necessity:

1. The Father requires it: it is the divine plan for the salvation of sinners
2. The Son desires it: Jesus plans to go to the cross to give his life for sinners and redefines the expectations of even those closest to him, like Peter.
3. The disciple (you and me) acquire it. We are each called to take up our own cross and follow the Savior. John Stott explains what this means:

“Self-denial is not denying to ourselves luxuries such as chocolates, cakes, cigarettes and cocktails (though it may include this); it is actually denying or disowning ourselves, renouncing our supposed right to go our own way.” Stott, The Cross of Christ, 279.

Some discussion questions for parents and teens:

• Where is one place in your life where you are struggling to deny/disown/renounce yourself?
• How does Christ’s finished work at the cross position you to make progress? In other words, how does justification help you in sanctification?

Categories: Thursday Thoughts For Parents, five15 blog
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