Parents,

Thursday Thoughts has taken a break for the summer (I have been thinking on Thursdays!), but a recent blog post by Al Mohler is too important to miss.

On Monday, Dr. Mohler reviewed a book called The Death of the Grown Up. The premise:

This much is now clear — Americans are taking a lot longer to grow up. As a matter of fact, this society has developed a period of extended adolescence that is completely without precedent in human history.

Actually, that’s not news. Sociologists and cultural analysts have realized this for some years.  What apparently makes this book unique is a strange corollary:

What Diana West adds to this analysis is her perceptive observation of how older adults now act like adolescents and identify with adolescent culture.

As she explains, “More adults, ages eighteen to forty-nine, watch the Cartoon Network than watch CNN. Readers as old as twenty-five are buying “young adult” fiction written expressly for teens. The average video gamester was eighteen in 1990; now he’s going on thirty.”

This is a disturbing trend, unique in world history:

As West notes, teenagers of an older generation tried to identify with adult culture. Now, the tables are turned. In her words:

That was then. These days, of course, father and son dress more or less alike, from message-emblazoned t-shirts to chunky athletic shoes, both equally at ease in the baggy rumple of eternal summer camp. In the mature male, these trappings of adolescence have become more than a matter of comfort or style; they reveal a state of mind, a reflection of a personality that hasn’t fully developed, and doesn’t want to - or worse, doesn’t know how.

Her look at America’s adults is not very encouraging. She writes about “parents who need parents” and parents who facilitate the misbehavior of their teenage children. Few seem to know what an adult is supposed to look like, or how an adult supposed to act.

Too many parents have assumed that their teen needs them to be a friend and a peer more than a parent. Thus, too many teens don’t really have a parent. Teens need to be challenged to rise to maturity and adulthood rather than be led to the assumption that adolescence is preferable as they watch their parents take on teenage clothing styles, pastimes, and lingo.

I don’t think this problem is common in our church, but we must constantly guard against the insidious creep of culture into our homes and lives. Let us call our kids forward to maturity, teach them maturity, urge them to maturity, and celebrate maturity. May we share with Paul this same urgency and intention in preaching the gospel:

“Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ.” Colossians 1:28

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Parents,

Thanks to all of you who came to the Parents’ Meeting Saturday night. Thanks for listening to our plans for next year, and all the great questions.

If you weren’t at the meeting, or you’d like to review some of the changes we’re working on, you can listen to the recording it or download it here.

I’m looking forward to a great year.  Parents, I hope you hear again my many thanks for your eager and faithful participation in five15.  The fruit we see in five15 is due to your faithful parenting.  THANK YOU for passing on the gospel to the coming generation!

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I’m quoting blogger Justin Taylor quoting blogger Zach Neilson quoting author Jerry Bridges’ book Transforming Grace, p. 124:

I think my parents’ pool hall fence was appropriate. But there is a lesson in my experience for all parents: Don’t focus on the fence. If you erect a fence for your children - for example, in regard to certain movies or television programs- be sure to focus on the real issues, not the fence. Take time to explain and re-explain the reason for the fence.

If you decide, as my parents did , that you don’t want your children going to the local pool hall, explain why. Distinguish between playing the game itself - which has neither negative nor positive moral value - and the atmosphere you are trying to protect them from.

For all of us, it may be good to have some fences, but we have to work at keeping them as just that - fences, helpful to us but not necessarily applicable to others. we also have to work at guarding our freedom from other people’s fences.

Some of the fences in our respective Christian circles have been around a long time. No one quite knows their origin, but by now they are “embedded in concrete”. Although it may cause conflict if you violate one, you must guard your freedom. To paraphrase Paul, “Stand firm in your freedom, and don’t let anyone bring you into bondage with their fences.”

I’m not suggesting you jump over fences just to thumb your nose at the people who hold to them so dearly. We are to “make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification” (Romans 14:19). Use discretion in embracing or rejecting a particular fence. but don’t let other coerce you with man made rules. And ask God to help you see if you are subtly coercing or judging others with your own fences.

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Normally I share these thoughts for parents on Thursday because of the catchy alliteration. But here’s something for Friday. In the Green Thumb Parenting class, I provided an answer to a common question: what book should I go through with my kid? Actually, I provided 10 answers. Here are my (current, and bound to change over time) Top Ten books for parents to go through with their teens during the middle school and high school years.

Not every family should necessarily try to plow through all ten books in six years, but I hope that by choosing a few titles from this list, parents will find help in specific areas with their teens. I list them here alphabetically by author:

Growing Up Christian, Karl Graustein. From one of the leaders of Covenant Life School, who himself grew up Christian, this book is an invaluable resource. Packed with real examples and simple tools to make it real for the reader, this book helps students and parents navigate the opportunities and temptations of growing up in the church.

Christian Beliefs, Wayne Grudem. “20 essential truths that every [teenage] Christian needs to know.” From the master of doctrinal clarity. Great for younger teens and pre-teens, too. I was surprised at how many of the kids in my Christian Beliefs class really wanted to know more about election.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Josh Harris. Already a classic, Josh’s case for ditching dating remains compelling. Read it more than once in middle and high school for a good foundation for God-glorifying opposite-sex relationships.

The Enemy Within, Kris Lundgaard. Do your teens understand that there biggest problem is inside, not outside? Any teen can find 100 things to blame his problems on. This book helps him see the big daddy of them all: sin.

Living the Cross-Centered Life, C.J. Mahaney. We’ve fallen short if the gospel is just theory. This book makes it real in everyday life. I think the chapter on legalism is especially relevant for young people. One to re-read every year.

Girl Talk, Carolyn Mahaney & Nicole Whitacre. Written by the most beautiful woman in the world and the best mother-in-law you could ask for, this guide to mother-daughter conversations is unparalleled. Moms, you can put Titus 2 to work at your kitchen table tomorrow with this book.

Don’t Waste Your Life, John Piper. It’s so easy for a teen to waste his teen years. Piper’s message is part of the antidote. Though we have a little different approach to missions, the central message of this book is about living a Christ-centered life, something every teen needs to hear.

What’s the Difference?, John Piper. Our culture is radically confusing and distorting gender roles for our kids. Let’s fight back. A slender volume with exceptionally good definitions and explanations of what are mature masculinity and femininity.

Holiness of God, R.C. Sproul. Perhaps one of the most important books written in the last century. Our teens won’t understand the gospel if they don’t understand God’s holiness. This is the book to do it. A must-read.

How Can I Be Sure I’m a Christian?, Donald Whitney. Some kids who are struggling with assurance need to look less at themselves and more at Christ, but this book will help some to begin to determine if they have genuine saving faith or not.

Parents, I know I haven’t cornered the market on book recommendations. What are your favorites? Whas has worked well and what hasn’t worked well? Let us know with a comment.

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Parents,

I hope you found the Green Thumb in Parenting classes to be beneficial. Thanks so much for your humility and eager desire to grow in parenting your teens.

I mentioned on Sunday morning that I would post a link to this article in response to Paul’s question. This article was written by Abraham Piper (Dr. John Piper’s son). Entitled 12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child, Piper humbly acknowledges that he was one of those wayward children. He’s following the Lord now, but this article describes how his parents related to him during his rebellion. I share these not so much because we have so many wayward children, but because many children are wayward at some point, even if only in small ways. This article helps model an approach to teenage sin that is redemptive and not self-righteous.

I think this is a great list, but please remember that these are general principles based on Scripture that will need to be adapted to your family’s situation. In particular, numbers 5 and 8 may need the most tweaking. The target here is really a 20-something, so at times it might actually be more helpful for the parents of a teenager to sever friendships that are unhelpful for their wayward son or daughter.

That being said, points 1 (12), 2, 3, and 6 can not be improved upon and are essential for any parent any time correction is necessary.

Here are the 12 ways:

1. Point them to Christ.
2. Pray.
3. Acknowledge that something is wrong.
4. Don’t expect them to be Christ-like.
5. Welcome them home.
6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them.
7. Connect them to believers who have better access to them.
8. Respect their friends.
9. Email them.
10. Take them to lunch.
11. Take an interest in their pursuits.
12. Point them to Christ.

You can read the whole article here.

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Mark preached to us from Mark 8:22-9:13 yesterday about “The Divine Necessity.” The cross is a divine necessity:

1. The Father requires it: it is the divine plan for the salvation of sinners
2. The Son desires it: Jesus plans to go to the cross to give his life for sinners and redefines the expectations of even those closest to him, like Peter.
3. The disciple (you and me) acquire it. We are each called to take up our own cross and follow the Savior. John Stott explains what this means:

“Self-denial is not denying to ourselves luxuries such as chocolates, cakes, cigarettes and cocktails (though it may include this); it is actually denying or disowning ourselves, renouncing our supposed right to go our own way.” Stott, The Cross of Christ, 279.

Some discussion questions for parents and teens:

• Where is one place in your life where you are struggling to deny/disown/renounce yourself?
• How does Christ’s finished work at the cross position you to make progress? In other words, how does justification help you in sanctification?

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Parents,

Sunday was our second installment of Green Thumb in Parenting. Our topic was discerning the fruit of conversion in our teens and assessing their preparedness for baptism and the Lord’s Supper. Since these topics are sort of like dominoes—the trigger for the Lord’s Supper is baptism, the trigger for baptism is conversion—we spent all our time talking about discerning the fruit of conversion in our kids. Dennis Gunderson explains why it is important to look for more than a mere profession or a simple prayer:

“So it is foolish to conclude that a child is saved merely because he makes the bare acknowledgment that these things are true. Be wise enough, parent, not to assure your child of his eternal safety on such shallow grounds! Love your child enough not to mislead him in ways you would not mislead an adult professing the same things.” Dennis Gundersen, Your Child’s Profession of Faith, 27.

We pointed to five things to look for, five ingredients that—taken together—will give you a better sense of whether your teen is converted:

1. Evidence of trusting and following Christ (does he love Jesus?)
2. Ability to communicate the content of the gospel (does she understand these truths, not just regurgitate them?)
3. Evidence of godly sorry for sin, followed by repentance (remember 2 Corinthians 7:10-11)
4. Ability to examine one’s self and the condition of the soul (does she think she is a Christian?)
5. Faith that has been tested (perhaps through rejecting the world or enduring trial)

Although we didn’t discuss it in the class, I offered these suggestions for thinking about teens and their preparedness for baptism (and thus, the Lord’s Supper):

1. Make the decision with order (baptism before Lord’s Supper)
2. Make the decision with time (slowly)
3. Make the decision with your teen (does he want to be baptized?)
4. Make the decision with others (involve community: pastors and other parents?)

A leader in the ancient church named Tertullian urged Christians to take seriously the import of baptism, and not rush to it:

“If any understand the weighty importance of baptism they will fear its reception more than its delay.”

Remember that we do not have class on Mothers Day. Our third and final class will be Sunday, May 20. We will be talking about discipleship, how to develop a simple plan for imparting essential truth about Scripture, doctrine, and godliness to our teens. As before, we will devote a good chunk of time to Q&A with my panel of experienced parents. If you have questions that you would like them to answer, leave a comment or email me this week. Thanks!

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Parents,

Thanks to all of you who came to the Shepherding Your Child’s Heart seminar on Saturday morning and/or the Green Thumb in Parenting class on Sunday morning! I so respect your love for your kids and your humility in getting help outside yourselves.

In the Green Thumb in Parenting class, we talked about how the metaphor of gardening or farming is useful when we think about parenting. We began this three part series by talking about two introductory steps:

1. Tilling the Soil of Our Children’s Heart: Cultivating Relationship

Here, the point is that God intends to use the relationship teens have with their parents to foster spirital growth in the life of your teen. J.C. Ryle explains:

And all this is one of God’s merciful arrangements. He gives your children a mind that will receive impressions like moist clay. He gives them a disposition at the starting point of life to believe what you tell them, and to take for granted what you advise them, and to trust your word rather than a stranger’s. He gives you, in short, a golden opportunity of doing them good. J.C. Ryle, The Duties of Parents, 7.

We looked at Tedd Tripp’s Authority—Influence Continuum, and how important it is for parents to endeavor to influence teens with godly example and with patient instruction. Practically, this effort is well-served by regular, intentional meetings with your teen. A weekly time with your kid is a good idea, although you have to choose what will work best for your family. These times work best if they are not primarily corrective, and there is plenty of flexibility to address whatever your son or daughter wants to talk about. Two questions that are good to ask every time: “Do you have any questions or observations for me as a dad (or mom)?” and “Is there anything you need to tell me about?”

2. Spreading the Seed of the Gospel: Having Gospel-Centered Conversations

Our teens need the gospel even after salvation. They need to be taught details about God, sin, cross, and faith & repentance. Jerry Bridges explains why this is important:

“Part of the problem is our tendency to give an unbeliever just enough of the gospel to get him or her to pray a prayer to receive Christ. Then we immediately put the gospel on the shelf, so to speak, and go on to the duties of discipleship. As a result, Christians are not instructed in the gospel. And because they do not fully understand the riches and glory of the gospel, they cannot preach it to themselves, or live by it in their daily lives.” Jerry Bridges, The Disciplines of Grace, 46.

Here are five suggestions for making gospel-centered conversations a regular part of your home life:

1. Look for opportunities. Seize them.
2. Walk in personal humility.
3. Orient your kids toward God and His Word.
4. Give affection and encouragement as much as possible.
5. Trust God.

Here’s where I need your help. Session 2 is on Sunday morning (by the way, we’ll be moving to Room 102). We will take the first 15-20 minutes of class to discuss any questions that arose from session 1. Of course you can just show up and ask any question you want, but you’ll get more helpful, more thorough, and more intelligent answers if my panel of experienced parents has a chance to think about it some first. So if you have a question you would like to get answered, leave a comment or email me. These questions will get first priority on Sunday morning.

See you Sunday morning!

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Parents,

The annual spring thaw is a good time to review with your kids the importance of purity and modesty. As the weather heats up, so does the temptation. Spring fashions are annually less modest than the previous year, and our culture is agressively putting forward immodesty and impurity as desirous.

For your sons in particular (and perhaps for your daughter), you should be aware that our dear friends at Covenant Life Church have created a Purity Resources page, compiling into one place many sermons and articles on the topic. I particularly recommend Josh’s 11/03 message on Media, and the recent Purity series. Don’t miss Josh’s You and the Flesh cartoons.

For your daughters, Sovereign Grace Ministries is making CJ’s message, “The Soul of Modesty” available for free until April 6. This message is described like this: “With humility and wisdom, C.J. brings the gospel to bear on this potentially sensitive topic, addressing externals only after addressing the heart.” I recommend reviewing this message at least annually with your daughter, perhaps before any shopping trip. Our culture has so completely jettisoned any semblance of modesty that as parents, we need to constantly fight the tide with biblical truth.

To download this message as an MP3 file, “visit the Sovereign Grace Store and add the message to your shopping cart. During the checkout process, enter the promotional code FREEDOWNLOAD to bypass credit-card payment. (Note: At the Order Preview page, please verify that you are being charged $0.00 for this message before you click on “Place Order.”) After the checkout process completes, you will see instructions for downloading the MP3 file. This code is good for this item only and expires April 6.”

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PARENTS,

I hope the concert Sunday night has prompted renewed discussion about music in your home: it’s place, it’s relative importance, what it looks like to exercise discernment in lyrics and style, and so forth.

This couldn’t be more timely: Bob Kauflin was just interviewed on the New Attitude website. It is outstanding. You’ll notice right away that Bob’s interview is saturated with Scripture. Many young people assume that Scripture doesn’t have much to say about the music they listen to; Bob helps us see that isn’t the case. Consider taking several family dinners in a row to review the verses together and talk about how they influence your musical priorities.

Bob explains why it is so important to keep Scripture central as we think about music:

These Scriptures guide me in how much I listen to music in general, how much I listen to a particular artist or style in particular, how much time I spend looking for new music, etc. Music is a gift from God meant to create fresh affections for God and direct my attention to him. I understand that I’m free to put music in its proper place and enjoy it as a gift from my Creator rather than an idol.

I’m also careful about why I listen to music. Music can exert a powerful influence on our emotions, but I shouldn’t be looking to it as the ultimate object of my emotions. If I expect music to lift my spirits, calm me, make me happy, etc., I might be expecting it to do what the Gospel is supposed to do.

Read the entire interview here, or gain more insight from Bob Kauflin.

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